Philomena (Unloved) Read online

  Finally, at about two in the morning, she dozed off with the laptop still on her knees.

  It was the ringing of the telephone that woke her.

  She reached for the phone. “Hello?”

  “Morning, Mabel. It’s Chuck here.”

  “Chuck, how are you?” She was trying not to sound like he had just woken her.

  “I’m good, but hey, what’s this I hear you’re organizing a trip for elders to go to New Mexico and the big Pow Wow they have down there?”

  Mabel shook her head. In all her years, the moccasin telegraph had never worked this fast. “What?”

  Chuck realized he had just jumped in, maybe had even woken Mabel up. No wonder she sounded all confused. “Let me start from the beginning. My daughter told me her mom, you know my ex-wife, Bea, was at her Stitch ’n Bitch meeting last night, and that you’re organizing a big trip.And…well…I’d like to come along.”

  “Come along?”

  “Yeah, I’d like to come along.”

  “Oh, Chuck. I don’t even know if it’s going to happen. There is a lot to sort out and that doesn’t even include all the money we have to raise.” All the reasons why the trip couldn’t happen had begun to seep in last night as she worked on the budget and this morning they seemed to have developed deep roots.

  “That’s not the Mabel I know. The Mabel I know always finds a way. Always.” He let the last word hang in the air for a few moments before continuing. “Let me help you.”

  “I’ll think about it, Chuck.”

  No sooner had she hung up when the phone rang again. This time it was Lucy.

  Lucy

  Lucy made herself a cup of hot cocoa and even added a few of the mini marshmallows she kept tucked away in the cupboard for her grandchildren. She settled in at the table with her iPad. She mostly used it to play games, but tonight she pushed the little square at the bottom of the screen. The one that said Safari, just like her grandson had shown her. Again and again.

  The bucket list conversation earlier had her thinking, mostly about Las Vegas but also about Sarah, and how she had noticed that her skin looked different tonight. Gray. Maybe it was just the poor lighting? Or maybe? Lucy didn’t want to think about the other maybe, so in the space at the top of her iPad she typed Las Vegas. She spent a good portion of the night learning about all the things to do in Las Vegas and then spent the rest of the night dreaming about it.

  The next morning as Lucy opened her living room drapes, the sun sparkled on the snow and she decided to take matters into her own hands. Lucy walked to the kitchen, lifted the receiver and dialed Mabel.

  “Hello.”

  “Mabel, it’s Lucy. Listen. I want to go.”

  “Go?”

  “To Las Vegas. To the Pow Wow. The whole bucket list trip. I want to go. So, tell me what I gotta do and I’ll do it.”

  3

  The Phone Call

  PEEKING INTO THE oven at the bannock she was making for dinner, Tilly was surprised when she heard the phone ring. Such a rare sound these days, the home phone ringing. Before answering, she took a momentary look at the call display, making sure it wasn’t a telemarketer.

  To her relief, it was her friend Mabel calling from Kamloops.

  “Hi Mabel,” she said, settling on the window bench that overlooked their backyard. She could see Grayson and Piper bouncing on the trampoline.

  “Tilly, have you become telepathic since I last saw you?”

  “No.” A smile crossed her face. “It’s ‘Call Display.’ It’s nice to hear your voice, Mabel.”

  “You okay, Tilly?”

  Tilly played with a pillow tassel, pausing for a moment before responding. She wasn’t really sure how she was, so she chose to go with the easy answer. “Yeah, Mabel. I’m okay.”

  “Tilly, I know you. Better than you think, and I’d say by your tone and the fact that you haven’t called me in weeks…” She wasn’t sure how far to push it. Something was awry with Tilly, but she also knew that Tilly didn’t always respond well to being pushed. After all, who does? But this time Mabel decided to push, just a bit. “And you haven’t returned any of my calls for that matter, so, no, I don’t think you’re okay.”

  Tilly softly closed her eyes. All the times she’d meant to call Mabel back and then something always seemed to come up. She began to apologize, but Mabel cut in, “Listen, I’m coming to Vancouver next weekend and we can talk then.” Tilly chewed on her lip, wishing she didn’t feel trepidation at the thought of Mabel coming to visit her. Mabel would see through any mask she put on and would drill her about what was going on.

  “In the meantime, go and smudge,” Mabel told her.

  Smudge? It had been so long that Tilly wasn’t even sure where her medicine bundle was.

  “I have a proposition for you,” continued Mabel.

  “A proposition?” Tilly was suddenly aware of the wall against her spine. She sat up straighter. “Now that’s the most intriguing thing I’ve heard in a long time.”

  Mabel dove in. “Last night at Stitch ’n Bitch we decided we’re going to the World Pow Wow.” This was the first time Mabel had said these words out loud and was struck by how ludicrous the idea of driving to Albuquerque sounded.

  “Really? You mean the one in New Mexico?”

  “Yeah, really. And yeah, that one. We’re all gonna go. Or at least that’s the plan,” Mabel said, and Tilly chuckled. “Plus,” Mabel hesitated, “we need another driver.” Her voice raised a few notches. “Aaaaand, that’s where you come in.”

  There was a pause. Like the world stopped rotating on its axis for a moment.

  “What do you mean?” Tilly blinked, and her eyes narrowed. “Where I come in?”

  “I need you to be my other driver.” Mabel waited a moment. “To come to New Mexico with us. Don’t answer me right now. Think about it. Discuss it with Mick. We can talk next weekend when I come to visit. Love you and see you soon.” Just as she was about to hang up, Mabel said one final thing, “And, Tilly, remember what I said about smudging.”

  Before Tilly could say anything, the dial tone filled the air. She stared at the phone and thought to herself, A trip. An adventure. By myself. With Mabel. With elders. To the sun. To the Pow Wow. Might be just what I need to get out of this funk.

  By the time she stood, she had decided two things.

  One, she’d look for her medicine bundle after dinner and smudge.

  Two, she wanted to go on the trip.

  4

  The Catalyst

  TILLY FOUND HER medicine bundle in the first place she looked, on the top shelf of her side of the bedroom closet. As she pulled it down, something fell to the floor. Tilly picked it up and held it out. A silk nightshirt.

  It had been a splurge one day, over a year ago, when she and her best friend, Bette, were shopping. It wasn’t really new anymore, except it had never been worn. It had been set aside for a special occasion. But there never seemed to be a special occasion.

  Tilly closed the bedroom door and prepared to smudge. She sat on the floor, tucked her feet under her bum, laid a piece of red cloth out in front of her, and then placed her medicine bundle in the middle. Purposefully, she unwrapped her smudge bowl. A beautiful abalone shell that had been a gift from Bea on the day Tilly had completed her six weeks at Round Lake Treatment Centre. Although she was now over twenty years sober, some days it felt like only yesterday. She continued to unpack: a bag full of sage, a braid of sweetgrass, an eagle feather, matches, and her tobacco. Each item held a story and memories.

  Tonight, she chose to light the sweetgrass, to bring in the positive energy and healing. As the first waves of smoke filled the air, Tilly closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Every cell in her body seemed to stir, began to pulse to a different beat. She smudged herself and began to pray.

  “Great Spirit, Creator of a
ll things, Grandfathers and Grandmothers of the four sacred directions. My name is Beautiful Light Woman and I come before you in a humble manner. I offer thanksgiving for the safe passage through the night and the safe passage of those I love. I offer thanksgiving for watching over, guiding, protecting, and keeping my family safe, healthy, and vibrant. I know I have set my bundle, my prayers, and ceremony aside for a while now, but I sit here again, reconnecting.” She paused for a moment. “I have an important decision to make, Creator. I am grateful for any guidance or messages you can send my way. I know this decision will not only affect me, but also my family, so I seek your help. All my relations.”

  Tilly opened her eyes and watched as the last remnants of smoke were released from the sweetgrass. When she was sure it was out, Tilly carefully wrapped up her medicine bundle and this time, instead of tucking it back up in the closet, she put it on her bedside table.

  She walked down the hall to Mick’s office. The door was open, but she still felt inclined to knock softly. When he looked away from his computer, she said, “I’m off to bed. You coming soon?” He gave a slight nod of his head. “Please don’t be too long.”

  “’Kay.” He turned back to his computer.

  She stood there for a moment, wondering when he’d become a man of so few words. When they’d become a couple of so few words. Tilly craved more. More of every aspect of their marriage. She watched him for a few moments. His shoulders broad and strong, his wavy brown hair now adorned with gray strands and a small, but noticeable, roll had begun to seep over his belt.

  She wondered what he saw when he looked at her. Or did he look at her?

  She turned and headed back to their bedroom. On the dresser lay the silk nightshirt. She undressed and slid it on. Not only did it feel amazing on her body, but it was like it had been made for her, fitting snug in all the right places. Tilly thought tonight was as good as any night to wear it and try to create a special evening with Mick. She stood in front of the full-length mirror, buttoning and unbuttoning the top two buttons. She couldn’t figure out why she felt so nervous. This was her husband after all. Eventually, she decided to leave them both undone, revealing the soft line between her breasts. Mick used to love when she came to bed like this, he’d kiss her collarbone and neck with precise attention before venturing further. Not only did she miss that, but she longed for it. Tilly couldn’t remember the last time he’d kissed her with any hint of passion.

  As she rubbed lotion on her freshly shaven legs, the draft of the bedroom door swept over her. Tilly stood as Mick closed the door behind him. Their eyes met and she held her breath, hoping he would say something about her nightie. About how she looked. Or anything. Or in the very least, pause and take her in.

  Instead, he walked past her to the bathroom. She stood motionless, except for the slow blinking of her eyelids as she watched the bathroom door close behind him.

  Her head fell forward as she lowered herself onto their bed. A deep exhale escaped her lips. No longer able to look at the closed door, Tilly closed her eyes. After a few moments of trying to regain her composure, she walked over to the closet and slipped the nightie over her head. Folding it with care, she tucked it into the back of her undergarment drawer and slipped into her usual pyjamas.

  Hot tears of rage and rejection spilled down her cheeks as she crawled into bed, settling as far on her side without falling out as possible. Tilly pulled the covers up tight, closed her eyes and thought to herself, Damn you, Mick. I’m going on this trip

  5

  Feeling Sure

  THE NEXT MORNING, Tilly watched as Mick sat at the kitchen table sipping his coffee and reading the paper. The sting of last night’s rejection still fresh in her heart. She waited until the twins had left for school and then leaned against the fridge with her head slightly turned toward him. She watched him, like an eagle waiting for the exact moment to make its move. When he lifted the mug to his lips and took the last sip of his coffee, she knew it was time. “Mabel called last night.”

  Mick’s eyes remained on the paper, but his stomach tightened.

  Tilly took a deep breath and decided to launch in. “She’s going to Albuquerque for the Gathering of Nations Pow Wow with a group of elders and she asked me to go along. You know, to help with the driving and also to take care of everyone. I’ve thought about it.” She paused only long enough to exhale the air she’d just taken in and to watch him fold his newspaper. She looked at the kitchen floor, crossed one leg over the other, and informed him, “And I’m going to go.”

  This time when she glanced up and at him, she knew he’d been listening. Mick’s eyes had become a darker shade of brown, almost black, and the wrinkles on his brow were more pronounced.

  He removed his reading glasses, tossed them on the table, and thumped back in his chair, causing it to hit the wall. She hated it when he did that. It made her think of a teenager who wasn’t getting his way. Mick shook his head and closed his eyes. “What!?”

  “Mabel called and asked…”

  He raised his hands. “Yeah, yeah I got it. But, just like that, you’re going to Albuquerque?”

  Tilly crossed her arms, raised her eyebrows, and with her lips pursed slowly nodded her head up and down.

  He knew that look. He had come to despise it. It meant his wife had made up her mind. And once Tilly made up her mind, there was no going back.

  “Fine,” he said, spit flying out of his mouth.

  “Fine.” Tilly turned on her heels, grabbed her purse, and marched out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

  Even in all her bravado, she felt unsettled by what had just happened. With shaky hands, she tried to unlock the car door, but dropped the keys. She bent down to pick them up and as she stood she found herself directly facing their house. Their home.

  Her shoulders dropped, her head tilted to the side, and for a moment she considered going back in.

  Maybe he has a right to be pissed. I did spring this on him, she thought. Tilly wasn’t usually a door slammer and not accustomed to walking out on Mick. She also wasn’t used to making decisions without talking to him first. But, lately, well…lately everything in their relationship had been different. Tilly got in the car and drove to work, dialing Mabel as soon as she got to the office.

  Mabel answered on the fourth ring. “I’m in!” Tilly said with certainty as she settled at her desk. Mabel knew exactly what Tilly meant.

  “Fantastic. So, Mick’s on board?”

  “It doesn’t really matter if Mick’s on board or not, Mabel.” Tilly caught herself and softened her tone, remembering who she was talking to. “You need me. The elders need me. So there. It’s done.”

  “All right, Tilly. If you’re sure.” It was more of a statement than a question.

  Tilly’s attention turned to the photos on her desk: school pictures of her twins, Mick and her on their wedding day, and an old photo with her best friend, Bette, taken almost twenty years ago when they were traveling through Mexico. She picked up the photo of herself and Bette. Leaning back in her chair she ran her forefinger over the photo. Tilly missed the spark she had in this photo. She missed the woman looking back at her. Where’d she go? Tears pooled in Tilly’s eyes.

  “You still there, Tilly?” Mabel asked.

  “Yep, I’m here.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  “You sure about this?” Mabel asked, tenderness wrapped around each word.

  Tilly put the picture back on her desk and responded, “Haven’t felt this sure about anything for a very long time, Mabel.”

  6

  Divine Support

  IT HAD BEEN four weeks since the big decision to go to the Pow Wow. During that time, Mabel had noticed a tinge seeping into Sarah’s face. The color was indescribable, somewhere between gray and ash. It haunted her. She’d seen it once before, near the end of her sister, Millie’s, battle with cancer. Mabel kn
ew they needed to make this trip happen sooner rather than later.

  She and Tilly had created a plan and had applied for every possible funding grant they could find.

  The elders had gathered to see what money-making ideas they could come up with. In the end, they decided on organizing weekly movie nights at the community hall. They sewed together white sheets and created a screen that they hung on one of the walls. Their grandchildren helped set up the chairs, Lucy was in charge of selling 50/50 tickets, and the rest of the Stitch ’n Bitch women worked the concession. Chuck and Poncho, the two brave men who were going on the trip, took tickets at the door. Mostly, they teased everyone who came in, their way of making folks feel welcome.

  They all knew they needed to draw a crowd for the first night, so they chose the legendary movie Smoke Signals. To their amazement and relief, the hall overflowed with people.

  As the lights went down, Lucy and Rose stood at the back of the hall and watched as the movie began to play. Lucy reached over for Rose’s hand and whispered, “I think this might just happen.”

  “Of course it’s happening. The movie’s playing right in front of us, Lucy.” Rose shook her head and clicked her tongue.

  “No! Not the movie. The trip.” Lucy let go of Rose’s hand and did a little jig.

  “Don’t go gettin’ yourself all worked up, Lucy. This is just one movie. We have to raise a whole helluva lota money to make this trip happen.”

  Lucy stopped dancing. She snapped her head toward her friend, narrowed her eyes and tightened her lips. Raising her finger up to Rose’s face, Lucy declared, “Oh, it’s gonna happen!” Lucy’s head moved up and down a couple times. “Mark my words, Rose. This trip is happening!” She turned and looked out at the hall. Not an empty seat. Awe rippled through her and this time her words were softer. “There’s no way the Creator would send all these people here tonight to support us if we weren’t meant to go on this trip.”